WHATS NEW

Post Message

Prior Page

Page

05/10/21 10:57 PM

#5018

Marie Gaines (Harris)

Bill....GREAT BRAIN!!!

05/11/21 10:44 AM

#5019

Nova Guynes

Men Are Just Happier people.- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Phone conversations are over in 30 second’s flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

05/11/21 10:48 AM

#5020

Nova Guynes

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man can forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

05/11/21 01:10 PM

#5021

W Leggett

this one has been arounf for a long time but it is TAX TIME AGAIN

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

05/11/21 06:19 PM

#5022

Marie Gaines (Harris)

KEEP THEM COMING!!! I NEED TO LAUGH AND SMILE, AND THESE WORK FOR ME

05/12/21 03:05 AM

#5023

W Leggett

Brian Sullivan can do everything

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian!”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his widow.”

05/12/21 11:06 AM

#5024

Marie Gaines (Harris)

FUNNY POST...KEEP THEM COMING!!!

05/12/21 11:53 AM

#5025

Nova Guynes

Marie - More things that may make you smile

Philosophers of the Century ...
Jean Kerr...The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Harrison Ford...Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

Spike Milligan...The best cure for Sea Sickness is to sit under a tree.

Jean Rostand...Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Arnold Schwarzenegger...Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

WH Auden.. We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

Johnny Carson..If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

Steve Martin...Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Jimmy Durante... Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

George Roberts...The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

Robert Benchley... I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

John Glenn...As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

David Letterman...America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

Howard Hughes...I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Actually, I'm a billionaire.

Old Italian proverb... After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box

05/12/21 06:17 PM

#5026

Marie Gaines (Harris)

Great ones!!! Keep them coming....I need to SMILE and LAUGH!!

05/12/21 07:44 PM

#5027

Cheryl Corazzi (Essex)

Love it. Keeps me in a good mood.

05/16/21 03:34 PM

#5028

W Leggett

A man is sitting at home one night. Suddenly, there’s a loud knock at the door.

The man opens the door to find a six-foot beetle standing at the doorstep.

“What in the world is this?” he asks.

The beetle responds by attacking the man viciously, with a flurry of kicks and punches. Then the beetle leaves.

The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance.

At the hospital, the emergency room intern asks him how it happened. The guy tells him about the beetle.

“Yes,” the doctor says, with an understanding nod. “There is a nasty bug going around at the moment…”

05/16/21 03:37 PM

#5029

W Leggett

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen. Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table. He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.

“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”

05/16/21 03:38 PM

#5030

W Leggett

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.

A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.

‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply.

‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’

‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.

05/16/21 05:00 PM

#5031

Marie Gaines (Harris)

BILL

Great ones....Keep them coming....need to smile and laugh

05/16/21 07:30 PM

#5032

Connie Schuerman (Von Dielingen)

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

05/16/21 08:14 PM

#5033

W Leggett

SOUTHERN Socializing

"Sweetheart, how do you fix that cut o' meat you're buying? You look like a good cook, so I just thought I'd ask."

"Which one of you kids put this bag of Goo Goo Clusters in Mama's buggy?"

"Which one of you kids put this box of Moon Pies in Mama's buggy?"

"Mister, you've got some height on you—would you mind reaching me a Coke from that top shelf?"

"My, your little boys have a lot of energy, bless their hearts! If I ran up and down these aisles, screaming my head off, I'd be give out."

"I'm Betty Jane Caldwell from Georgia Ridge. Who are you, sweetheart, and who are your people?"

"Sorry, honey. I really was fixin' to pick up this last jar of Duke's."

"'Scuse me, ma'am, but that's my buggy you just dropped your Dale's into. You seem distracted. Would you like for my Sunday School class to put you on our prayer list? Do you have a church home?

"Could you pass me a National Enquirer? I like to catch up on the news while I check out."

"Honey, go on ahead of me. You've only got a couple of things." (The downhome version: "You go on, hon. You ain't got but a little.")

Shopping the Sales

"Leave it to Publix to have baby backs on a BOGO just in time for the Fourth. I love this store."

"This Piggly Wiggly is the best one for Boston butts. I heard the manager's great-granddaddy was a cattleman from Texas."

"A dollar off pico de gallo, and just look at the marbling on that steak. You can't beat H.E.B. for fajita fixin's."

"I've a good mind to pick up some deli potato salad while it's on sale. All that potato peeling's liable to chip my Essie."

Produce Shaming

"I've never seen such pitiful watermelons. Let's drive by the square and see if that old man is ‘settin' there with his truck."

"These peaches are disgraceful."

"When will y'all have Peach Park peaches?"

"Call me picky, but when it comes to corn, I've got to have my Silver Queen."

"I hope they don't think anybody with good sense is buying their sorry excuse for tomatoes."

"Deliver me from any summer onion that's not a Vidalia."

Checking It Off Your List

"Hand me an extra hunk of that Cheddar. I'm taking mac and cheese to the barbecue, and I don't like to skimp."

"Are the grits with the rice or the breakfast cereal?

"Do y'all carry Wickles?"

"Do y'all have any pickled pig's feet?"

"This recipe calls for capers. What on earth are capers? I've about had it with that Martha Stewart.

"I didn't see any white sauce on the condiment aisle."

"Are y'all out of Conecuh?"

"I've got the Duke's, but I can't find the pimiento. Guess I'll have to stop by Publix on my way home."

05/18/21 01:09 PM

#5034

W Leggett

MY CAT PASSAWAY TO DAY IN MY ARMS , DARLENE & I GOT HER YEARS AGO NAMED HER AFTER DARLENE', MOM LOLA, THAT ANOTHER STORY , YES THAT IS ME WITH TEARS IN MY EYE'S

YES THIS OLD MAN 👨 HAS ♥ & LOVE FOR PETS

05/18/21 04:31 PM

#5035

Connie Schuerman (Von Dielingen)

Bill - So sorry to hear of Lola's passing - our fur babies are so loved - know that you will miss her !

05/18/21 05:55 PM

#5036

Marie Gaines (Harris)

Bill, so SORRY to hear about Lola's passing...I know she will be missed by you and family... and that there will be MANY more TEARS to flow...PRAYERS for peace...

Marie

05/19/21 12:40 AM

#5037

Cheryl Corazzi (Essex)

The passing of a beloved pet is heartbreaking. They are one of the family and their passing leaves a great void in our lives. They say all pets go to heaven so she has been reunited with your wife. Take care.

05/19/21 11:40 AM

#5038